working mom guilt

[rackmount]

Hey everyone, here's another of those women can't have it all features. poor poor working women. why don't they just land a rich upper-middle-class man and stay home and watch kids? that's how it's _always_ been done (nevermind that that's completely untrue for most women in most of the world).

I certainly have a certain amount of guilt about having this 4+3 schedule with linus (staying in the city four days/3 nights). But that wasn't how it was when I began. I checked the hours I was with Linus and it all made sense. Sure, I concentrate my time with linus over three days rather than seven, but J takes up the slack on the other four nights, and I more than make up the time on Friday through Sunday, spending every waking moment with him from Thursday night through Sunday night.

What I found out is everyone is VERY CONCERNED for me. Am I getting divorced? Is Linus going to wind up with a shrink? Am I a bad person who must necessarily feel like a mini-Hitler? Is J apparently unable to control his woman? This is a slight exaggeration of course (except about that first thing; I've literally been asked several times now if I was on the path to divorce), but I'm becoming really angry about it. Not ONE person has asked me how much time J spends with Linus. Not ONE person has understood that this is all a factor of me GIVING UP the place I chose to live, to be with my partner ... and also a factor of my partner's job being such a time-sink.

To give up my place in the city would also force me to give up my job, the other major life-choice. Between moving away from where I wanted to be, giving up my job, and having a baby in the first place, I'd basically be giving up every major life choice that I had made to ensure my own happiness. Not that I've asked for everything, mind you, or even most things. I gave up where I lived (that is, having friends and culture, basically). I gave up the idea of being child-free. Instead I agree to the kid, and gave up where I lived in return for keeping my job (at the expense of an enormous amount of my time in commuting).

Ever since we started this little try-out period of me staying in the city a few times a week, I've had these little nosy questions, or cover-ups with certain people, or whatever. There are a number of people who really want me to feel guilty about this. And I started to. What the hell? I've given up everything, practically, that made me happy, for something that I was pretty sure would not make me happy, at least in the short term. I had my reasons. I was doing fine. But the nagging voices of people who SHOULD KNOW BETTER insinuating that I shoudl feel guilty and terrible all the time.

My guilt has turned to rage. Fuck that noise. I don't want to have no friends, and no live music, and no time, and no interesting job and no personal fulfillment. I won't give it all up.

Comments

[iscari0t.livejournal.com]

Wow.

While in the past decade I've traded in my starry-eyed, idealistic faith in humanity for cold cynicism and curt judgment, when I look back with my 20/20 hindsight, I can't say that I would expect you to knowingly make foolish decisions when it comes to your own life, happiness, and/or well being. I trust you to make correct decisions for yourself, and have no reason to even begin to question your ability to live "correctly".

This is from someone who hasn't seen you in almost as long as I've known you. Who are these people that have so little to worry about that they attempt to imprint guilt upon you, of all people?

Fuck 'em. I've got your back; always have. For what little that's worth. I'm sure as shit not concerned for you. If anything, I'm proud.

[rackmount.livejournal.com]

it's really good to know that my friends, the people who i feel know me, actually have faith in me. that includes you. it's just venting in some ways, as i can say none of this to at least some of the people who are giving me grief (in-laws are a blast!).

but seriously. thank you. in some ways, it's good to just know that there used to be people who *got* me.

[(Anonymous)]

personally, I thought it thought it showed signs of a strong marriage that J knows that you need this thing in your life and that you two worked together (I assume) to come up w/ this solution.

yeah, everyone judges a mother. it's sometimes hard to blow off. if you were the dad, nobody would give you a hard time about this. (they'd just assume that your wife was at home.)

in this and other situations, i often wonder to myself: when did people stop telling their children, "don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes"?

I hope that you can get to the point where you can ignore the noise and just enjoy the (condensed) time that you get to spend w/ your son.
-gk

[rackmount.livejournal.com]

you're absolutely right. ive had people try to tell me differently, that it has nothing to do with me being the female half of the couple. but it's so not true, as evidenced by the fact that no one asks j about his schedule.

and it's not that my time is condenced. im spending as much time with linus as i would be were i at home 7 days a week. it's just one hour after the other, rather than two hours tonight, two hours tomorrow night, etc., all made possible by THREE hours of commuting. that just doesn't work.

and yeah, i think you've hit the nail on the head. i did that commuting schedule for a while to see if it could work. it did not, but doing it initally made me feel sure of myself and j feel sure of it too. so i feel pretty certain that it was the right choice.

[(Anonymous)]

yeah, that's what I meant by "condensed". big blocks on a few days, vs. tiny chunks spread out. commuting bites big donkey balls.

[iscari0t.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. Dead on. Bravo.

[redliner.livejournal.com]

If figuring shit out was a video game, you just got high score.

[rackmount.livejournal.com]

well said, and thanks. and there's something comforting about your icon.

[redliner.livejournal.com]

It's a still from one of this dude's videos.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0l60ae0d5c</a>

[troubler.livejournal.com]

You are so right. You are doing the right thing. The US is super fucked up about enforcing the nuclear family centered on momdadkid.. not just in your jobs and ability to get days off for family care and such..but socially people enforce and enforce and enforce, with concern and worry and criticism. as was said - fuck that noise!

And yeah, nobody asks the men about their schedules in this situation. part of why I am so wary of marriage and kids. not that it's relevant now...

[rackmount.livejournal.com]

it's good to be wary. J was surprised when i told him that statistically, men become happier after they marry, women become less happy. he thought it woudln't happen to us. i guess there are reasons for those statistics.

but yes, enforce through all that undermining. it enrages me.

[smapple.livejournal.com]

You are a force of nature and it's incredibly inspiring.

[rackmount.livejournal.com]

thanks! i certainly wouldnt have expected such a compliment while i was writing this.