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little dave
Sep. 8th, 2008 08:42 amthings are better. im worn out but in a way i feel i can handle. im not pissed off all the time, only some of the time. while it's not all worked out yet, we're on our way to establishing a routine.
yes i still have no local best friend. yes i still feel isolated. but at least i dont feel like im on the edge of total meltdown. im still unable to convince J to change even a little of the way he is (while ive been forced by circumstance to completely change myself), but at least he's trying to put in his time. im still the president of the marriage, but at least he's trying to be a good employee. my father told me that i should give up on the matter. it made me feel a little better to know that it wasnt just because i was the female partner, but that it was partly because i married into my parents' marriage a bit. i married someone a bit like my mother. i just keep telling myself, yes, it's unfair, but that's it. it's unfair. mostly, J is too good to be true. though im the one saddled with a ridiculously disproportionate amount of the suffering, at least he's a good person and he loves me and he does the best he can within the confines of his instincts. the best i can do is to appreciate what he offers.
it is funny to me how much i am "little dave". that was my nickname when i worked on my father's crew. in appearance, i take after my father's side of the family, though i dont really look like him. but in manner, im a chip off the old block. we are both twist champions with a heavy puritanical edge. we are both emotional blunderbusses who are nevertheless extremely sensitive although we'd never admit it. i have slightly more respect for things i cannot touch, but he's more compassionate and less wrapped up in fairness. those qualities often seem similar to those who don't look closely. and both of us are terrible at letting things go south rather than losing the game of chicken. he more so than i. money makes up for a host of issues in my marriage, so i dont have to be as particular.
anyway, compared to many people, i am rather lucky. J's not perfect, but he's as good as possible within the confines of not changing an iota. i'll continue to try to make little steps toward greater equality. it's pretty off-balance right now, but every little step has drastically improved things.
in other news, i met a woman a few weeks ago who gave up her job as a veterinarian to have kids. she just did a montessori certification program at mercer community college, and is now student teaching at one of the two big montessori schools in princeton. she gets paid beans, but she gets big savings on tuition. given the beating we take by the government (we make just enough to get screwed, but not so much that we are actually well-off in such an expensive place), im thinking it may make sense to do that myself. she mentioned that there's a teacher crunch for montessori, so she thought it would be fairly easy. anyway, it's worth considering. i figure i'll only be working in the city maybe another year, and had already decided to think about new career paths. it might not be bad for a little 3-year career until i want to do the next thing. it would save us childcare costs and lessen our tax burden considerably.
i hate that such things play a role. i feel like im getting sucked into the life that the governement wants for me. bastards.
yes i still have no local best friend. yes i still feel isolated. but at least i dont feel like im on the edge of total meltdown. im still unable to convince J to change even a little of the way he is (while ive been forced by circumstance to completely change myself), but at least he's trying to put in his time. im still the president of the marriage, but at least he's trying to be a good employee. my father told me that i should give up on the matter. it made me feel a little better to know that it wasnt just because i was the female partner, but that it was partly because i married into my parents' marriage a bit. i married someone a bit like my mother. i just keep telling myself, yes, it's unfair, but that's it. it's unfair. mostly, J is too good to be true. though im the one saddled with a ridiculously disproportionate amount of the suffering, at least he's a good person and he loves me and he does the best he can within the confines of his instincts. the best i can do is to appreciate what he offers.
it is funny to me how much i am "little dave". that was my nickname when i worked on my father's crew. in appearance, i take after my father's side of the family, though i dont really look like him. but in manner, im a chip off the old block. we are both twist champions with a heavy puritanical edge. we are both emotional blunderbusses who are nevertheless extremely sensitive although we'd never admit it. i have slightly more respect for things i cannot touch, but he's more compassionate and less wrapped up in fairness. those qualities often seem similar to those who don't look closely. and both of us are terrible at letting things go south rather than losing the game of chicken. he more so than i. money makes up for a host of issues in my marriage, so i dont have to be as particular.
anyway, compared to many people, i am rather lucky. J's not perfect, but he's as good as possible within the confines of not changing an iota. i'll continue to try to make little steps toward greater equality. it's pretty off-balance right now, but every little step has drastically improved things.
in other news, i met a woman a few weeks ago who gave up her job as a veterinarian to have kids. she just did a montessori certification program at mercer community college, and is now student teaching at one of the two big montessori schools in princeton. she gets paid beans, but she gets big savings on tuition. given the beating we take by the government (we make just enough to get screwed, but not so much that we are actually well-off in such an expensive place), im thinking it may make sense to do that myself. she mentioned that there's a teacher crunch for montessori, so she thought it would be fairly easy. anyway, it's worth considering. i figure i'll only be working in the city maybe another year, and had already decided to think about new career paths. it might not be bad for a little 3-year career until i want to do the next thing. it would save us childcare costs and lessen our tax burden considerably.
i hate that such things play a role. i feel like im getting sucked into the life that the governement wants for me. bastards.
