Middle age

Apr. 8th, 2015 09:31 am
rackmount: (Live Free or Die)
[personal profile] rackmount
An email to a friend, who's best friend just married someone awful.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. FWIW, for some people, making it official is the beginning of the end. I'm not sure what I wish for her, because I don't know her that well and none of the possible outcomes are awesome, but I hope she comes back to you, friendwise. It's brutal losing someone so close.

J's been quite ill lately, and though I am troubled for him and scared for the family, there's a very small part of me that's grateful that the married portion of my life may end sooner than I expected. What have I been brought to, that that is a thing I would actually think?

I had a Seder for J and the kids on Friday, and then I went alone to J's cousin's house for an Orthodox Seder. His cousin has four sons, the youngest of whom is 21 and smart and quietly rebellious and right up my alley. It was as though God wanted to give me an explicit comparison of what my life is versus what my life could be. And it wasn't just him of course, it was the whole deal. I either throw the party, or I attend it. I either take care of someone, or I drink and talk and let someone else clear the dishes. For me, there doesn't seem to be a middle ground. It's either serve or be served, and no amount of wishes for a team seems to make a difference. And I'm bad at serving. Singularly unprepared to do anything I'm doing right now.

It feels like I'm just marking time. Who cares about anything? You know? There's no reason to stick around. There doesn't seem to be much reason for anything. I really wish I could just buy a stupid sportscar or get a 20 year old boyfriend and have that solve the problem.

I know exactly what you mean. I couldn't even do that thing now, wanting to ignore everything for another person. It's all been ruined. Even as I was talking to this kid, feeling that excitement and quickness, it was also clear that it was just ... narcissism. I was my most sparkling self, and that's as much as I could believe about it, or as much as will ever be true.
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